Canna
What Flower
Are You?
"
things that are killing them
17 years ago
Friday, November 2, 2007
still around...
...there was a monitor for my heart,for my breathing,blood pressure-these lines were going up and down and i notice that when i hold my breath the line would remain straight ( the one that monitors my breathing ) and the other lines would go crazy ! I was bored and i hate hospitals, especially in the CCU,theres no television,i cant read books ( my hands have these tubes which is connected to my finger tips etc ), there dont allow me to leave the bed-i was going crazy ! So i held my breath as long as i could and the monitors when crazy-nurses come running into the cubicle and was a lil confused with what happened, i of course pretended to sleep. That was the excitement for the night for me...
The next day i told the cardiologist that if they dont take me out of this place i will really go crazy and they probably wld have to put me in a psychiatric ward ! Ihad to go through a couple more test and was discharged later in the day. Ive been going through various test including a stress test recently and the physician said that im fine but have to take some medication for precaution. He cant really say what was the cause of the fainting spells ( have not since then ) and said that the probable cause is stress ( that because of the tired body during certain time of the day blood doesnt reach my brains...
Well one thing for sure i need to exercise more ( which ive not done ).work less ( which is impossible) and relax more( m trying ). Actually,inyaallah as a Muslim-one should not be stressed as everything comes from Allah swt-but i guess my level of keimanan accepts that but its not translated into the physical body/being,meaning ive still got a long way to go be the "calm" person that i should...
Alhamdoolillah, in general,im feeling better,but i also know that some things have change and somehow those fainting spells have had an effect on me. Doesnt really matter, life is too short to dwell on the past, the best approach is to look forward towards the next day and...
The next day i told the cardiologist that if they dont take me out of this place i will really go crazy and they probably wld have to put me in a psychiatric ward ! Ihad to go through a couple more test and was discharged later in the day. Ive been going through various test including a stress test recently and the physician said that im fine but have to take some medication for precaution. He cant really say what was the cause of the fainting spells ( have not since then ) and said that the probable cause is stress ( that because of the tired body during certain time of the day blood doesnt reach my brains...
Well one thing for sure i need to exercise more ( which ive not done ).work less ( which is impossible) and relax more( m trying ). Actually,inyaallah as a Muslim-one should not be stressed as everything comes from Allah swt-but i guess my level of keimanan accepts that but its not translated into the physical body/being,meaning ive still got a long way to go be the "calm" person that i should...
Alhamdoolillah, in general,im feeling better,but i also know that some things have change and somehow those fainting spells have had an effect on me. Doesnt really matter, life is too short to dwell on the past, the best approach is to look forward towards the next day and...
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Is There a Right Time...?
The events in the last few weeks have been eye opening to say the least. In the early part of Ramadhan,about the second week I was hit by fainting spells,blackouts that last between 10-20 seconds. Of course, i dont know what happened during those blackouts but i was told by my youngest son,Imraan, who happened to be around on all four occasions that papa just crumble to the ground-luckily for me three of those occasions were inside the house and one was just outside the front door. On the fourth occasion i actually hit my head to the floor first and when i was concious felt like someone had hit my head with a baseball bat ( of course if that had happened i would not be writing now...) So the next day I went straight to see a specialist/physician and spend half the day there going through test after test-blood,x ray,scan and was immediately ordered to the CCU,because my blood test showed that i had certain enzymes which will only be present if theres something wrong with my heart.
I was "surprised" by the preliminary findings but suprisingly cool about the whole thing, my wife and children was more affacted by this whole episode-you know me, in CCU ( Coronary Care Unit ) with all the wire attached to my body to monitor my heart i was also supplied oxygen to help me breath so that my heart could rest ! So u can imagine the scene,the rest of the patients were those who just had bypass or a heart attack-the scene was very depressing.
For your information I have never been hospitalised for a single day in a hospital-i was born at home ( so my mom told me ),was never sick as a child (666 !) and was even circumsised at home ! So then suddenly i was spending this night alone at the hospital and watching being zoom in and out of the OT ( at the CCU the rooms hv glasses so that the can monitor u )-for the first time in my life i am forced to lie down in bed and do nothing but rest and sleep. But the human mind is a wonderful thing, i didnt want to sleep and rest-i wanted to think-for all the sedative they gave me, i couldnt sleep-but i had the whole night to my self to think and ponder about...death,which is all around me. Is there a right time to die ? Do i want to die ? Have i done my responsiblity to my creator and done enough good deeds on this earth ? Thousand and one questions and thoughts,but the thing is i was not stress or upset, infact come to think of it i was very calm,until i begin to understand the monitors that was beside me...
I was "surprised" by the preliminary findings but suprisingly cool about the whole thing, my wife and children was more affacted by this whole episode-you know me, in CCU ( Coronary Care Unit ) with all the wire attached to my body to monitor my heart i was also supplied oxygen to help me breath so that my heart could rest ! So u can imagine the scene,the rest of the patients were those who just had bypass or a heart attack-the scene was very depressing.
For your information I have never been hospitalised for a single day in a hospital-i was born at home ( so my mom told me ),was never sick as a child (666 !) and was even circumsised at home ! So then suddenly i was spending this night alone at the hospital and watching being zoom in and out of the OT ( at the CCU the rooms hv glasses so that the can monitor u )-for the first time in my life i am forced to lie down in bed and do nothing but rest and sleep. But the human mind is a wonderful thing, i didnt want to sleep and rest-i wanted to think-for all the sedative they gave me, i couldnt sleep-but i had the whole night to my self to think and ponder about...death,which is all around me. Is there a right time to die ? Do i want to die ? Have i done my responsiblity to my creator and done enough good deeds on this earth ? Thousand and one questions and thoughts,but the thing is i was not stress or upset, infact come to think of it i was very calm,until i begin to understand the monitors that was beside me...
Monday, September 10, 2007
Its that time of the year again, a time to reflect and ponder and wonder how far we have gone towards reaching our goal in totally submitting ourselves to the will of Allah swt. The year has gone by so fast and before you know it,insyaAllah we will be experiencing another Ramadhan. I have mix feelings this year especially, because many things have happened, some for the better and some not so good...
Since coming back from Haj in 2005/2006, ive gone for Umrah twice once in July 2006 and again recently in May 2007. I feel very fortunate and thankful to have been given this oppurtunity by Allah swt. On the other hand I m also very sad and upset with the situation that im in. Im still bogged down with work and have very little time to do fav things like reading and writing etc...then even my solat is not satisfactory,i know it and i can feel it. Whats more alarming is that i feel that my level of keimanan is deteriorating when i benchmark it against the first time i comeback from Haj. Its normal to have your faith ( degree of it ) flactuate during periods of time but its worrying knowing that its happening and you cant do much to stop the slide. Its also a test by Allah swt-i hope Allah swt will protect and continously guide me and not leave me...
Ramadhan somehow recharges me and my faith. I love the terawih prayers as it makes me feel part of a larger muslim community/ummah. With a hungry tummy and a desire to make the most of Ramadhan the prayers becomes better and better,insyaAllah. Unfortunately for us in Selangor,the state MB has decided that there will be no tazkirah during the break for Terawih prayers.( its our Prophets saw tradition to have a break and teraweh prayers is to be done at a relax pace not like an express train speed so that we can complete 20 rakaat )This is so unfortunate, because its during the tazkirah that we get to understand the Quran better through tafsiran by ulamaks and hafiz, else for people who dont understand Arabic the reading of a whole Quran during this month becomes just that reading-no comprehension no understanding of God's words-warnings,lessons,laws etc.
...unfortunately for my jemaah/qariah and me our Surau in Sek 8 has also been closed by JAIS. ( yesterday after Asar-indefinitely-imagine that Ramadhan is two days away ! ) This is another long and sad story,but suffice to say that the present Government or some of the people in it are people who dont take kindly to criticism. Which brings me to my earlier point-the degree of iman is sliding because you live in an environment that is very antigonistic towards Islam. You are either with them or against them attitude ( same attitude of the Bush administration) makes life very difficult for the average Muslims. The recent events in our beloved country has also made me very angry and sad ( Negarakuku, Riots in Terengganu, Pigs in Malacca ) I feel that Muslims ( in particular Malay Muslims )in this country are slowly but surely loosing their identity and self believe. They are told that to be true Muslims you must follow the mould that the Government has set. Not Al Quran and Al-Hadith.Well this is another area that needs a long and detail analysis...
Ive diverted from the original aim of writing about Ramadhan, although its not totally unconnected...Anyways,have a good Ramadhan and may Allah swt guide us to the straight and correct path and protect us from evil and hellfire.Ameen.
Since coming back from Haj in 2005/2006, ive gone for Umrah twice once in July 2006 and again recently in May 2007. I feel very fortunate and thankful to have been given this oppurtunity by Allah swt. On the other hand I m also very sad and upset with the situation that im in. Im still bogged down with work and have very little time to do fav things like reading and writing etc...then even my solat is not satisfactory,i know it and i can feel it. Whats more alarming is that i feel that my level of keimanan is deteriorating when i benchmark it against the first time i comeback from Haj. Its normal to have your faith ( degree of it ) flactuate during periods of time but its worrying knowing that its happening and you cant do much to stop the slide. Its also a test by Allah swt-i hope Allah swt will protect and continously guide me and not leave me...
Ramadhan somehow recharges me and my faith. I love the terawih prayers as it makes me feel part of a larger muslim community/ummah. With a hungry tummy and a desire to make the most of Ramadhan the prayers becomes better and better,insyaAllah. Unfortunately for us in Selangor,the state MB has decided that there will be no tazkirah during the break for Terawih prayers.( its our Prophets saw tradition to have a break and teraweh prayers is to be done at a relax pace not like an express train speed so that we can complete 20 rakaat )This is so unfortunate, because its during the tazkirah that we get to understand the Quran better through tafsiran by ulamaks and hafiz, else for people who dont understand Arabic the reading of a whole Quran during this month becomes just that reading-no comprehension no understanding of God's words-warnings,lessons,laws etc.
...unfortunately for my jemaah/qariah and me our Surau in Sek 8 has also been closed by JAIS. ( yesterday after Asar-indefinitely-imagine that Ramadhan is two days away ! ) This is another long and sad story,but suffice to say that the present Government or some of the people in it are people who dont take kindly to criticism. Which brings me to my earlier point-the degree of iman is sliding because you live in an environment that is very antigonistic towards Islam. You are either with them or against them attitude ( same attitude of the Bush administration) makes life very difficult for the average Muslims. The recent events in our beloved country has also made me very angry and sad ( Negarakuku, Riots in Terengganu, Pigs in Malacca ) I feel that Muslims ( in particular Malay Muslims )in this country are slowly but surely loosing their identity and self believe. They are told that to be true Muslims you must follow the mould that the Government has set. Not Al Quran and Al-Hadith.Well this is another area that needs a long and detail analysis...
Ive diverted from the original aim of writing about Ramadhan, although its not totally unconnected...Anyways,have a good Ramadhan and may Allah swt guide us to the straight and correct path and protect us from evil and hellfire.Ameen.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
MERDEKA>>>
Salams,its been so long since Ive last written,its been crazy,well whats new its been like that especially this year. I thought it could not get any worse but it has. When I was in college i thought that once i start my working life i would have more time to do things, that are more relaxing and not feel so stress. ( I still have nightmares about failing my math paper and not being able to pursue my degree and coming back in shame...crazy its more than 20 years ago but i still have those dreams...
And here I am at my office at 745pm taking a break because my brains are just too tired too concentrate about wrk. Ive analyse and reanalyse why i cant have more time to myself instead im a slave to my work. I dont know the answer but i do know that this cannot go on. Ive tried to talk to friends and family but the answer is all too common. Basically the choice is mine,they say...but its not as simple as that.
Anyways that would take too much time to write...
I would just like to say that 1. Im proud of my country 2.I happy that Malaysia won the semi final last nite. 3 I hope i would be able to find the time to write more...
And here I am at my office at 745pm taking a break because my brains are just too tired too concentrate about wrk. Ive analyse and reanalyse why i cant have more time to myself instead im a slave to my work. I dont know the answer but i do know that this cannot go on. Ive tried to talk to friends and family but the answer is all too common. Basically the choice is mine,they say...but its not as simple as that.
Anyways that would take too much time to write...
I would just like to say that 1. Im proud of my country 2.I happy that Malaysia won the semi final last nite. 3 I hope i would be able to find the time to write more...
Friday, June 22, 2007
money n power the root of it all...
Betrayed,thats how i felt today. Never thought that a close friend would actually stab you in the back,its crazy enough to becareful with your competitors but when the competitor is a friend you dont expect that.
Emails,phone calls,smss are not returned-all i want is clarification,but no she has chosen the silent mode ! Its important in life that you dont have bad thoughts about people,because negative thots creates more negative thots and the consquences is a lot of "bad feelings kind of environment".Tapi takpalah no need to dwell in all this negativity, as i said to this "friend" of mine ( thru sms ) the world is a cycle,what goes around comes around-do good and good things will happen,do bad things and just wait...
But i forgive her, else im just as bad...
Whats the source of this betrayal ? Well,recently when i meet "people"/fellow businessmen-they have been saying things like..ya la you sibok banyak kerja...you seem to be getting all the jobs...etc...the kind of things which is very irritating to hear because you want jobs youve got to work hard,deliver and hope n pray that the almighty continues your rezk
They think "knowing who" is enough even if they dont know how ! There are people who would be supportive of you only if youre lesser than them then if youre better of thats when trouble starts. They dont bother me, but when the backbiting starts...
The cause,its all about money...
Emails,phone calls,smss are not returned-all i want is clarification,but no she has chosen the silent mode ! Its important in life that you dont have bad thoughts about people,because negative thots creates more negative thots and the consquences is a lot of "bad feelings kind of environment".Tapi takpalah no need to dwell in all this negativity, as i said to this "friend" of mine ( thru sms ) the world is a cycle,what goes around comes around-do good and good things will happen,do bad things and just wait...
But i forgive her, else im just as bad...
Whats the source of this betrayal ? Well,recently when i meet "people"/fellow businessmen-they have been saying things like..ya la you sibok banyak kerja...you seem to be getting all the jobs...etc...the kind of things which is very irritating to hear because you want jobs youve got to work hard,deliver and hope n pray that the almighty continues your rezk
They think "knowing who" is enough even if they dont know how ! There are people who would be supportive of you only if youre lesser than them then if youre better of thats when trouble starts. They dont bother me, but when the backbiting starts...
The cause,its all about money...
Monday, June 18, 2007
AArgh...
does scribling and jotting ideas on a piece of paper or actually listing things that you want to do/need to do assist you in multi tasking ? Mind Mapping ? whats the best way to "organize" your thoughts?
I think it depends on the complexities of the task,simple straight forward problems can be organised linearly whereas the ones that link to one another needs the more than one dimension diagrams..? there are times however the simple one are connected to the more complex ones and v.versa,well cant show it diagramatically here...see because of the medium
talking on the handphone,writing/typing ? on the note book and reading a report thats due in one hour-whats the solution on this. Is Multi tasking doing many things at one time or doing many things at different times but in a limited time frame say within 2hours-that include lunch...
trying to figure out what i just wrote...
I think it depends on the complexities of the task,simple straight forward problems can be organised linearly whereas the ones that link to one another needs the more than one dimension diagrams..? there are times however the simple one are connected to the more complex ones and v.versa,well cant show it diagramatically here...see because of the medium
talking on the handphone,writing/typing ? on the note book and reading a report thats due in one hour-whats the solution on this. Is Multi tasking doing many things at one time or doing many things at different times but in a limited time frame say within 2hours-that include lunch...
trying to figure out what i just wrote...
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