Inallilahwainailahirojiuun.

Its been a while since i last posted, too many things have happened in my life,major events. My elder brother pass away about three weeks ago. He was 55 and single. He has been suffering from all sorts of illness from young and that made him slower than the rest of us in the family. Initially it was not so bad,but when we all moved on with our careers and family and our children moved on as well,his complex and self esteemed took a beating. As a family we tried to do all sort of things,but none really work out,because the problem was he needed the kind of attention that we all could not afford-time,emphathy and companionship. Looking back, his death was actually just a confirmation of his earlier death-his will to live died a long time ago. The problem started when he turn adolescence-he couldnt cope wth the pressure,most normal teenagers cant cope ! And here was my brother who was not doing well in school ( dropout after form 3 ) having to cope with the fact that all his brothers went to boarding school etc and it got worse when his younger brothers did the same ( xcept me-didnot go to boarding school )We all got married had children and even some of our children had gotten married and had children of their own. Life it seems just zoom by pass him. His condition deteriorated over the years and he had to take anti depressant drugs which further aggrivated his physical condition and indirectly his mental health. The family ( my brothers and sister ) were too engrossed in the daily affairs of career and children to have paid the kind of attention he needed,yes in a way we were all guilty and have to bear a certain degree of responsiblity. When I recvd the news of his death, i was at a meeting wth some teachers discussing about some protest that we were going to do wth KPM about some misconduct of a teacher at another school. I could not leave the meeting,or could i ? By the time i got to my parents house, there was his body lying in the hall. As i approach his body and open the face covering a surge of sadness ( and guilt ) overcame me-i had never really paid attention to this brother of mine,infact many a time we had some serious fights and argument. When i was sitting for my SPM he actually attempted to burn all my school books-jealuosy,hatred,attention,all of those...i dont know. Now he lay in front of me and he was quite and still...
We were suppose to have the burial by zohor,but unfortunately because of his age the police wanted to do an autopsy-my mother would hear nothing of this and although he was send to the forensic unit HKL no autopsy was done-but not before we had to challenge the beraucracy all the way. Alhamdoolillah,with his grace, the burial finally took place at about 530pm at the Ampang Burial grounds. My mom has not really recovered and she cries everyday ( she is 80 ) and recently ( last week ) she felt in front of the bathroom,she was bedridden for a few days and has somewhat recovered,she can stand and walk slowly to the bathroom. My dad is 87, he is on the dialysis machine every two days and has done this for the last 5 years,but my brothers death has rob them of companionship and now there only the two of them in this house which has seven rooms ! It is lonely for them...
We come and visit every weekend as we have done all these years but what they want is someone to stay with them,but its difficult,we are all different,have different approach to life,have our own life and family. It is sad,but we are much better than most families that i have seen-that does not solve the problem anyways...we tried maids before but it never works out,they are lonely not hapless...Theres much much more to tell but life has to go on...